 Family Life
Resources For Family Educators
A Statement of Principles
Purpose: To define those principles that can inform our living and
guide our work.
1. The Principle of Order: Behavior has predictable consequences
Elaboration: Laws of nature and laws of relationships follow systematic
principles. By working with the laws, we get the outcomes we seek. A farmer who
fails to provide wise and consistent attention to his crops is likely to harvest
more weeds than grain.
Marriage example: A couple that tries to operate over the years on initial
infatuation without continued investments of understanding and connection is
likely to drift apart. A person who chooses to blame is likely to experience
alienation.
Parenting example: Children who do not have a close personal relationship
with at least one adult who talks to them, loves them and respects them as
special people are likely to grow up emotionally and socially limited.
2. The Principle of Empathy: A fundamental act of caring is taking time to
look at the world through another person’s eyes.
Elaboration: Our fundamental separateness as humans cannot be overcome
without the effort to understand the feelings and unique experiences of those we
care about. A fundamental act of hostility or indifference is to fail to see or
try to see the world from another person’s perspective.
Marriage example: It is common in marriage to interpret partner behavior
based on its effect on us. Until we take time to discover what that behavior
means to the partner, we do not understand our partner and cannot respond
helpfully.
Parenting example: When a child comes home from school feeling humiliated by
a bad experience, we can increase our intimacy and show support for the child by
taking time to understand what that experience means to the child. The parent
begins with "Tell me what happened," and follows by restating the child’s
experience in words that lets the child know that the parent can relate to the
child’s experience.
3. The Principle of Agency: People are free to make choices.
Elaboration: No one can make a person think, feel, and usually even act, in
ways contrary to that person’s choices. A person’s choices can be understood by
knowing the past but are not bounded or dictated by what has gone on before.
Marriage example: A partner’s anger does not require our reaction in kind. We
can choose to be reflective, understanding, and helpful rather than angry,
resentful, or spiteful.
Parenting example: Parents can help children recognize their options and make
choices based on their values rather than thoughtless, automatic reactions.
4. The Principle of Momentum: The pattern of one’s life is defined by the
accumulation of choices.
Elaboration: Patterns of choices have a cumulative effect. Some choices are
made more difficult because of a pattern of previous choices. The person who has
often chosen anger as the reaction to differences of opinion, may find that
reaction becoming automatic.
Marriage example: The emotional bank account is a good example of the
Principle of Momentum. Those partners who consistently invest in the
relationship through acts of thoughtfulness, kindness and consideration, will
have an account balance superior to those who make only sporadic deposits or
regular (or periodic?) withdrawals.
Parenting example: Children can be taught to be aware of momentum. One small
act of kindness can lead to another, and then to another, until kindness becomes
interwoven in the pattern of a person’s life.
5. The Principle of Loss: Sometimes the best choice to sustain and affirm
life requires risk or sacrifice.
Elaboration: It is easy to suppose that good choices are always easy. That is
not always true. Good usually entails some cost. For example, the willingness to
stand up for principles may entail the loss of certain friendships.
Marriage example: Some people avoid close relationships because of the risk
of being hurt. The fact is that we can limit our risk and manage our investment,
but, in so doing, we limit the potential for growth and intimacy.
Parenting example: Close relationships are based on the willingness to give
and share with another person. One loses, or risks losing, something in order to
gain something even more important—the respect and affection of another person.
When a parent allows a child time to tie her shoes on her own, the parent loses
some time. When a parent allows a teen the opportunity to drive the family car,
the parent risks damage to the car and injury to an inexperienced driver.
6. Principle of Integrity: Acting consistent with internal principles of
right and wrong and out of compassion for all life builds healthy relationships.
Elaboration: A sense of right and wrong is the accumulated wisdom of
experience with life. The key is put these moral concepts into action and
monitor their application in terms of how they affect oneself and others.
Marriage example: A man who tells his wife he loves her and works to show his
love in his actions toward her, is likely to have a strong relationship with
her.
Parenting example: A parent may emphasize the importance of consistency
between what her child says and does. If the child, for example, says she will
or will not do something, she is obligated by integrity to follow through
consistently. In a similar way, when a parent makes a promise to a child, the
parent assumes the obligation to do as he or she said, no matter how challenging
it might prove to be.
7. The Principle of Movement: Life is movement.
Elaboration: Short of cryogenic freezing, humans do not hold still. Life
cannot be captured in a shadow box. People move actively toward one set of goals
or another. The key is to move briskly and wisely toward carefully chosen goals.
To stop growing is to die.
Marriage example: Relationships do not coast to bliss. Failure to invest in a
relationship entails moving toward other goals whether they are as vacuous as
television watching or as demanding as career development. In any case we move
either toward or away from each other.
Parenting example: Children are growing and changing every day. Knowing a
child means rediscovering him or her afresh in each encounter.
8. The Principle of Goodness: There is an inclination in the human spirit
toward life-sustaining behavior.
Elaboration: Healthy human beings fight to protect and preserve life. Healthy
human beings flinch at the sight of suffering and waste. While decay is real, so
also is the drive toward goodness, connection, and growth.
Marriage example: There are strong survival instincts that partners have for
their relationship. When those instincts are swamped by despair and
hopelessness, the relationship may end. However, even when discouragement is
strong, the flames of hope can be fanned into new warmth, especially when
determination is joined with fresh ideas.
Parenting example: Young children smile and reach out during the first months
of life. The parent can encourage that inclination by responding warmly and
sensitively to the child.
9. The Principle of Chaos: The world is not always tidy.
Elaboration: It is wise to make allowances for imperfection and untidiness in
life and relationships. Expecting Hollywood endings in all life struggles sets a
person up for disappointment.
Marriage example: We never know our partners completely. We never work
together perfectly. There are irresolvable differences in every relationship.
Insisting on perfection guarantees disappointment. Accepting differences, even
unpleasant ones, encourages more peace and better cooperation.
Parenting example: As we work with children, we make allowances for the
inconvenience and challenge of living with little people who will not fit tidily
into our adult schedules. Parents who adjust their schedules and expectations in
order to synchronize with their children will find greater harmony and growth.
Also, despite our good intentions and best efforts, some problems will remain.
10. The Principle of Readiness for Change: Problems are best solved when
family members are mentally and emotionally ready to grow and when family
members are feeling safe and valued.
Elaboration: True and enduring change can not be achieved through physical or
psychological force. Individual perspectives have to be respected and problems
addressed at a time when those involved can listen, think, and learn. We can not
impose growth.
Marriage example: Marital conflict is more likely when partners are tired,
frustrated, unhappy, hungry, or upset. To attempt to address chronic marital
differences when people are in such a state may be like trying to read the paper
while sitting in a burning house. There is wisdom in approaching differences
when we feel peaceful---when we are under the influence of our nobler nature.
Parenting example: Children do not learn well or gladly when they are tired.
Bedtime is not the best time to confront misbehavior and teach limits. Children
learn best when they are alert and when we approach them with respect and
kindness.
11. The Principle of Discovery: There are always more possibilities than our
personal experiences suggest.
Elaboration: No one person has sufficient experience to know everything about
a problem. No one person can see all points of view. That is why it is vital for
us to learn from each other.
Marriage example: Many couple conflicts involve imposing our personal "musts"
on the relationship. "We must get up early." "We must celebrate the holidays
elaborately." "We must have a large house." When we are truly open to other
people’s experiences and perspectives, we discover many roads leading to growth,
intimacy, and satisfaction.
Parenting example: Rather than dictate behavior to children, we can help them
discover options. Children should not be flooded with more choices than they can
process. But they can be helped to discover multiple pathways through life. In
addition, there are many different ways to successfully raise a child.
12. The Principle of Synergy: When we act together we discover possibilities
that none of us would discover alone.
Elaboration: When people turn from proving they are right to working towards
joint possibilities, they often discover remarkable options. Our differences
have important clues to guide our growth and discovery. When we work alone, we
limit our reach.
Marriage example: For vacation, he wants to go fishing with the kids. She
wants to visit her mother. They can fight about the virtue of their respective
preferences. Or, working together, they can discover a better way. Maybe he will
find a fishing hole near her mother’s place. Maybe she will visit her mom at a
different time. There are surprising possibilities when we join creative forces.
Parenting example: Even when parents feel that they cannot allow a child to
participate in a certain activity, they can ask the child to suggest
alternatives. They can join the child in exploring possibilities. "What would be
an activity that we might both feel good about?" The Principle of Synergy
suggests that making children our partners makes for more successful problem
solving.
13. The Principle of Legacy: Our ultimate well-being depends on making an
investment in others.
Elaboration: Under sway of the self-esteem movement, many have determined to
meet their own needs at all costs. The self becomes the standard of judgment.
Yet generativity and integrity in life depend on the investments we make in
other people and in relationships. When we live only for ourselves, we never
discover the satisfactions that come from service.
Marriage example: Rather than see marriage as a partnership where two
relatively-autonomous adults share some part of their lives as long as it is
profitable, we can see marriage as the place where flawed and imperfect people
commit to join and help each other in a journey. Marriage can be more than a
convenient and pragmatic partnership; it can be a commitment to being together,
growing together, and serving together. In serving we grow.
Parenting example: When children are involved in service, they are less
likely to have serious adjustment problems. Children can be involved in helping
others in many ways. In the early years, they may join their parents in visiting
sick, elderly or lonely. As they get older they may contribute their own energy
and talents to improving life for those in their circle of experience who are in
need.
14. The Principle of Evil: There is potential for evil in people.
Elaboration: To ignore evil is to be unprepared for the challenges of life.
Each of us can be forgiven for an occasional self-serving pursuit of personal
goals. None of us is totally selfless. Some individuals, though, twisted by
harmful conditions during their formative years, have made the choice to commit
themselves to self-serving goals, destructive behavior, and indifference to
human suffering. Although not inherently "evil," children who are not treasured,
nurtured, and loved, can become inhumane. Even though individuals with this
destructive personality are a distinct minority, their presence has to be
acknowledged and understood.
Marriage example: Partners in a relationship can cherish each other knowing
that there is an element of danger in the world. Their marriage can provide
solace and comfort and provide a secure base for managing any threats to family
well-being.
Parenting example: In the absence of active, committed adults in their lives,
children are not likely to develop their potential for compassion and caring.
They may even become brutish and heartless.
H. Wallace Goddard, Extension Family Life
Specialist
U of A Cooperative Extension
Charles A. Smith, Extension Specialist/Human Development
Kansas State University
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