 Family Life
The Family Journey
Questions and Answers
Family Questions and Answers. Family life presents
all of us with surprising challenges. This section provides answers to specific
questions. The answers are written by Extension's Family Life Specialists, Wally
Goddard and Steve Dennis. If you have a question you would like addressed in
this section, please send it to the Family Life Specialists.
Question:
This is a very trivial question, but how do you pronounce Haim Ginott's name?
Response:
Haim immigrated to the United States from Israel. If he had come from France,
pronunciation of his name might be quite different. His name is pronounced like
Hime Gin-ott (the two syllables of Ginott rhyme with din and tot).
Question:
As a parenting educator, I am trying to teach my mothers to not have their
infant or toddlers sleeping in the bed with them. They say their child wakes up
or won't go to sleep unless they are in the bed with them. Please HELP!!!
Response:
There certainly are concerns with having infants or toddlers share a bed with
their parents. Popular wisdom in the United States is that it is potentially
unsafe, may interfere with adult activity, and may create dependencies in
children.
The
Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued an announcement warning about
the dangers of sleeping with infant.
Of course you are aware that historically and internationally the American
view is relatively uncommon. Parents all over the world co-sleep with their
children and have done so for millennia. Dr. William Sears acknowledges the CPSC
report and points out that the safety risks for children in cribs is probably
higher than for children who sleep with their parents.
If parents want to co-sleep, your best bet may be to encourage parents to
follow reasonable precautions. Dr. Sears recommends the following:
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Always put babies younger than 6 months to sleep on their backs and not their tummies.
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Don't sleep with your baby if you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol or any substance that could diminish your awareness of your baby.
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Don't sleep with baby on soft surfaces, such as beanbags, waterbeds and couches.
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Avoid crevices between mattress and wall or mattress and side rail.
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Avoid side rails, head-boards and foot-boards that have slats that could entrap baby's head.
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Avoid putting your bed near curtains or blinds that have dangling strings that could strangle baby.
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Only one baby in bed at a time, please.
If you are interested in more information on Dr. Sears' view, see the
article.
It seems that co-sleeping has advantages for attachment, but may have
disadvantages for suffocation. Perhaps pointing out both sides of the issue
would allow parents to make informed decisions.
Question:
At what age can a child be left home alone in the state of Arkansas? How does
the latchkey rule apply? Is there an age minimum that a child can be left home
alone in AR?
Response:
You ask a very important question. We can give you some help with the part of
your question that concerns the advisability of leaving children to care for
themselves. The legal aspect should be processed with an attorney. You may also
consider looking at the Arkansas
Code.
In reviewing the evidence related to self-care for adolescents, Steinberg
says that "somewhere between 2 million and 6 million school-aged American
youngsters are not supervised by their parents after school. Studies suggest
that self-care after school probably does not hold great benefits for
youngsters, and, in fact, may cause problems if adolescents' parents do not
promote the development of responsible behavior when they are with their
child.
The concern about safety and development are even more substantial for
children who are pre-adolescent. We do not recommend that pre-adolescents be
left in self-care. For more information about a child's readiness to provide
self-care, look at the following links:
Question:
Some families I work with are moving their infants and young children frequently from one child care provider to another. What are the emotional affects on the child when they don't remain with any one child care provider for any length of time?
Response:
Children have a need for ongoing nurturing relationships. Notice the two parts of that statement. The relationships need to be ongoing; over the course of time, a few people should be regularly involved in that child's life in order to provide the child a feeling of safety. The second part of the statement emphasizes nurture. Children need adults who do more than provide food and safety. They need adults who enjoy them, interact with them, pay attention to them, talk to them, and hold them. Involvement that is both ongoing and nurturing is essential for children's healthy development.
Some children tolerate change better than others. Even a few hours a day in out-of-home care may be troublesome for some babies, while others may adapt readily to changes in routines or providers. In all cases, adults should be very cautious as they make changes that interrupt important relationships for young children.
Children may give us signals when they have experienced too many changes. They may be more fussy, clingy, or anxious. It is a good idea for parents to pay close attention to their children for signs that they are overwhelmed by the changes in their lives. If children are overwhelmed, extra attention, and regular daily routines can help provide the comfort and stability that children need to cope with the change.
For more information and guidelines on ongoing, nurturing relationships, see "The Irreducible Needs of Children" by two respected pediatricians, Berry Brazelton and Stanley Greenspan (2000, Perseus Publishing).
Question:
My 3 year old has no problems urinating in the toilet but when it comes to "Poo-poo" he always has accidents. On his third birthday he told us he wanted to make poo-poo in the potty and when he actually did, we were so excited that we all did a dance and sang songs. Now he refuses to sit down and my husband and I are getting tired of changing dirty underwear. What can we do to help him get more comfortable? We had another baby 5 months ago and the stress of having an infant who isn't sleeping through the night and a toddler who keeps having accidents keeps getting to us. Should I scold him when he has an accident, take away a privilege, ignore it, or what? My husband and I are just about at our last straw. He never has an accident at childcare. He always has the accidents at home. We feel that he is doing it on purpose. Is it something that we are doing wrong? Are we not giving him enough attention? I know things are different now with the baby but we both make it a point to spend quality time alone with our son each night. PLEASE HELP!
Response:
You are in a difficult situation. The baby and accidents put a lot of pressure on your family. Thank you for writing.
It is hard to know exactly why your son is having accidents at home. Does he use the toilet at school for bowel movements or does he merely "hold it" until he gets home?
It is far less likely that he is deliberately soiling his pants at home than it is that the pressure he feels at home makes him anxious. He can tell that his accidents upset his parents and that you are overwhelmed right now.
Probably the best thing for you to do is to cheerfully change his pants whenever he has an accident at home. Do the best you can to set aside any frustration you feel. Assume that he may have accidents for several months. At the same time, find opportunities to be encouraging with him. "Thank you for helping me." "I enjoy the picture you drew." It probably is wise to say nothing about using the toilet. He already knows what he needs to do. He just needs to feel safe and confident enough to take on the challenge.
It is an excellent idea to make time with your son. Daily doing things with him that he enjoys is good preparation for him to learn effectively and grow appropriately.
It is very likely that the accidents will disappear over the next few months as you provide a supportive home environment for your son.
Question:
Do health and religion make up a happy family? In what ways? Please respond immediately. Thanks!!
Response:
You have asked important questions. Good health can contribute
to happiness and well-being. The ability to work or make other contributions to
the family is important to personal and family happiness. For example, research
has found that when men lose their jobs or are unable to work because of
disabilities, they can negatively influence family life. Feeling useful or
needed seems to be an almost universal human need. When such a need is
challenged by health problems, it may take some time to adjust. Yet even people
who have serious - even debilitating - accidents report that their level of
happiness returns to normal after a year.
With respect to religion, it can be a source of confusion or a
source of comfort. In fact, we know that those who value religion mainly to look
good and keep up appearances, are less well-adjusted people. They may struggle
to go through the motions and meet the demands of their religion, but may not
experience the inner peace or strength that comes when their actions are
enriched with meaning. In contrast, those who internalize faith, hope, and
love - common recommendations of religion - are more likely to be happy and
balanced.
Almost anything can be a source of strength or a source of
difficulty. The key is wise and balanced application of good principles.
Question:
How can I raise a 15 yr. old boy?
Response:
We wish there were a simple answer to your important question.
The best answer may be to use generous doses of understanding, support,
listening, and encouragement, all of which are forms of love! But there is more.
It is also important to set limits and monitor behavior. Teenagers should be
allowed increasing freedom but, until adulthood, they also need adult
involvement in their decisions.
One book on raising teens that has been rightfully popular for many years is
Haim Ginott's "Between Parent and Teenager." We also encourage you
to read the articles on this website on teenagers and on parenting in general.
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