 Family Life
The Marriage Garden
Dealing with Conflict in Marriage
All marriages - even the very best of marriages - have conflict. That is a
normal part of having two people work out a life together. But there are good
ways to work out differences - and there are bad ways.
Learn to live with things that cannot change. You may wish that your
partner was different in many ways. Some of those things simply cannot change.
Learn to accept that. Be glad that you can bring to your partnership some
qualities that your partner does not have. Be glad that your partner can bring
qualities that you do not have.
Start a relationship discussion at a time when you want to
strengthen your relationship. If you are feeling angry or tired and want to
correct or hurt your partner, it is not a good time to start a discussion. If
your partner is tired or frustrated, save the discussion until later.
Many relationship discussions get started late at night when both partners
are tired. We shouldn't let our tiredness be our message. Save the discussion
until you are rested.
Do not dwell on your complaints. Sometimes we feel irritated about
things in our relationship. We list our complaints and stew about them. By the
time we bring up our problem we may have talked ourselves into being mad. Rather
than make big complaints, we can make requests along the way.
Make requests. There are some statements that do NOT motivate change:
"You never help me. You don't seem to notice anyone's needs but your
own." There are more inviting statements: "I'm very stressed right
now. I wonder if you could help me by getting dinner, helping me cleanup the
house, or helping the children with homework."
Rather than argue about details, find common ground. In any
disagreement it is easy to get stuck arguing about who did what and why. Don't
waste your time dealing with such issues. Instead, focus on ways you can help
each other.
When people feel attacked and angry, they do not think as clearly as when
they are calm. We can do things to help ourselves and our partners feel more
calm. We can start discussions without attack: "I would like your ideas on
an issue." We can look for solutions rather than accusations: "Do you
think it would help if . . . ?" If we are feeling too frustrated, we may
need to reschedule our discussions: "I need some time to think about what
you are saying. Could we talk about this tomorrow?"
Confrontation is not a very good change agent. John Gottman has observed that
the only way to get people to change is by accepting them as they are. Conflict
will happen, but love makes the difference.
Even marriages that seem unhappy often become very satisfying over time if
both partners prevent anger and resentment from taking over. In fact,
differences in marriage can help us grow and help us build a better
relationship.
Applications:
Most couples argue about the same things year after year. They make no
progress in solving certain problems and may even get more entrenched. Think of
any problems or issues that have recurred in your relationship.
Which of them are un-resolvable?
Which of the resolvable differences can you simply choose to accept?
Which of the resolvable differences can you act to minimize or manage?
What tools will you use to help you deal with resolvable
differences? Humor? Patience? Distraction?
Which of your problems can be resolved by working together? Have you
found ways in the past to have a better relationship as a result of your
discussions? What makes your discussions better? When you have a
disagreement, look for an opportunity to make your relationship stronger.
(For example, "If we had a few minutes every week to have fun together,
I think it would bring us closer.")
What is your reaction to disagreements with your partner? Is it possible to
think about disagreements in a more positive way? (For example, "We both
have strong personalities and sometimes we will clash. But we still love each
other.")
Are you actively doing things to enlarge and strengthen the base of your
relationship? Do you spend time together doing fun things? Do you take an
interest in your partner's activities?
John Gottman has written an excellent book on marriage that includes a
chapter on conflict called, "Solve your solvable problems." The book
is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you want
additional ideas to help you work through differences with your partner, this
book can provide practical ideas.
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