 Family Life
The Marriage Garden
Getting Past Problems to Solutions in Marriage
In most marriages there are times when the relationship does not seem to be
working. Most married people consider divorce at some time in their marriage.
Some people do not consider divorce but suffer needlessly.
It is natural for marriages to get stuck. Within a couple of years of being
together most couples discover some issues and differences that don't get
resolved. To make matters worse, most of us develop automatic ways of reacting
to the behaviors we do not like in our partner; those automatic reactions often
irritate our partner and make things worse. There are several things that can
help.
Interrupt your automatic reactions with understanding. Rather
than get angry or argumentative when your partner does something that irritates
you, consider whether your partner is doing something that makes a lot of sense
to him or her. Sometimes we don't understand why our partner does certain
things. You can ask yourself, "What does this behavior mean to my
partner?" Understanding is better than anger.
One of the challenges in marriage is that men and women deal with frustration
differently. Women more than men want to talk about their feelings. Such talk
can make men feel anxious; when men are upset, many choose to walk away rather
than fight which leaves women feeling deserted. This difference between men and
women can cause a lot of misunderstanding. If both approach discussions with
gentleness and patience, there can be better results.
Get help. There are many kinds of help. John Gottman has
written excellent books on marriage. (See the list at the end of this unit.) It
may be helpful to talk to a wise neighbor or friend, a minister, or a counselor.
No one will have magic answers but may be able to give you helpful advice and
emotional support. There are also additional helpful units on marriage in this
series.
Some kinds of help are more helpful than other kinds. For example, it may
feel good to have someone take my side against my partner; but it could worsen
my attitude and willingness to work at the relationship. Some helpers may blame
me and leave me feeling discouraged and hopeless. The best helpers are those who
support us while challenging us to better understand our partners.
One of the surprises that comes from research on marriage is that many people
who are unhappy in their marriages but stay together report being very happy in
the same marriage after some months or years. It is often a good idea to avoid
acting rashly when there are relationship problems. Be patient.
Give growth and healing time to work.
Don't inflame the frustrations by dwelling on problems. List
the good things in your relationship. See if you can ignore some of the bad.
Cultivate more of the good by noticing and encouraging it. Make time for those
activities that strengthen your relationship.
There are times to get out. You should not ignore or tolerate
abuse. If your partner is abusive you should call the police or go to a shelter.
If you are in danger in the relationship, you should get out.
For most people, differences can be managed. The differences can even lead to
a richer, happier, healthier relationship.
Applications:
Think about your parents' relationship. Did they work well together? How
did they work through differences? What did they do poorly that you can do
differently?
Think of people you know who appear to have strong marriages. Ask them what
challenges they have had and what they have learned that helps them deal with
the challenges.
What are the strengths in your marriage? How can you make them a more central
part of your relationship?
For the sake of understanding in marriage:
For women: If there are things your partner does that irritate you, you
might ask one of your brothers or cousins what those things might mean to your
partner. The object is not to gang up on your partner but to better understand
what that behavior means to him.
For men: If there are things your partner does that irritate you, you might
ask one of your sisters or cousins what those things might mean to your
partner. The object is not to gang up on your partner but to better understand
what that behavior means to her.
There is an old saying that if you don't have something nice to say, don't
say anything at all. There are both advantages and limits to this idea. There
are many accurate criticisms we could offer our partner that simply will not
improve the relationship. Can you think of such things in your relationship?
The limitation to the idea is that there are times when we need to make
requests so that our partner knows what is important to us. It is wise to make
requests in positive, inviting ways. Are there things you can invite your
partner to do for you that will make your relationship better?
When we are irritated and angry, we usually do not have good relationship
discussions. Are there certain stressful times that you should avoid
discussions? Right after work? When the children are demanding? Late night?
Excellent books on marriage include:
"Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last" by John
Gottman
"The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman
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