 Family Life
Find Your Way to Character Heights
Helping Children Learn to Respect Other People
There are some tricks to teaching children to respect people.
Parents are tempted to command respect: "You will do as I say."
"You will honor your mother." In fact, parents can command compliance,
but they cannot command respect. We can make children do what we want them to do
(as long as we are more powerful than they are) but we cannot make them respect
us or others. Respect is cultivated and earned.
Respect is not earned simply through niceness. There is nothing
wrong with being nice, but the parent who tries to "nice" children
into doing things is likely to have a difficult child. Earning respect takes
more than niceness.
There is another trick to developing respect: Parents are
tempted to point out children's mistakes in order to get them to do better.
This can backfire. When children feel judged and rejected, they are not
motivated to improve. When children are criticized, rather than learn to
improve, they are more likely to learn to condemn - themselves or others.
Children will learn to respect people who show respect to
them. The people who are most likely to be respected use a unique
combination of being loving and setting limits in firm but caring ways. (There
are many units in this series that provide specific ideas in these areas.) While
children do need constructive feedback, it must come within a relationship of
love, support, and sensitivity if it is to motivate good behavior. Children also
need limits, but they can be established with kindness and respect.
For example, if a child starts to hit his sister, a parent could
react (unhelpfully!) with, "What's wrong with you? Stop hitting your
sister you barbarian!" That parent could smack the child. That does not
teach respect. On the other hand, if a child starts to hit his sister, we could
catch the child's hand and say, "We never hurt others. Would you like to
tell me what is bothering you?" The wise parent sets limits but does it
without attacking or insulting the child.
Children will learn to respect people when people who are
important to them set an example of respect. Children benefit from seeing us
honor people who are examples of values that are important to us. We can
regularly express admiration for such people.
It is easy to make fun of people who bother us or are different
from us - people from a different country or of a different faith or with
different beliefs. Our willingness to show respect for people who are different
from us sets an example of respect.
That does not mean that we agree with everything that other
people believe and do. "They believe that women must wear veils over their
faces. Their views make sense to them. My view is different." It also does
not mean that we accept dangerous or illegal behavior.
In order to teach respect, we must be willing to admit our own
imperfections. We apologize to a child when we have been unreasonable. We ask
for their forgiveness when we have hurt them.
Respect is the basis for strong relationships and it is the
natural result when parents use love and guidance.
Applications:
Who are some of the people you most respect? What have they done
to earn your respect?
What are some of the ways you show respect to your children? (Do
you listen respectfully to the things they say? Do you spend time with them? Do
you try to honor their preferences?)
What are one or two ways that you can better show respect to
your children?
When people claim to be better than they are, we notice their
faults more. When people admit their shortcomings, we are more likely to
overlook them - especially when we know they are trying to do better. Do you
admit shortcomings to your children and ask for their patience and help? For
example, you might say, "When I am tired, I sometimes get mad at you easily
and am not as kind as I should be. I am trying to get better. I hope you will be
patient with me."
Sometimes a parent is wise to let children know of their
difficulties. "I am having a bad day. I hope you will give me a little
extra room so that I don't say something that hurts your feelings." But a
parent should not burden a child with worry for their well-being. "I expect
to be feeling better after I have a few minutes to relax."
Back to Find Your Way to Character Heights
|
