 Family Life
Find Your Way to Character Heights
Using Consequences to Help Children Learn
The trouble with punishing children is that its main purpose is
to make them suffer. Suffering by itself is not a very good teacher. In fact,
suffering is useless unless we learn from it.
The object of discipline for children should be to teach.
We want our children to become wiser and better. One of the best ways to teach
children about the importance of obedience is the use of consequences.
Consequences are intended to teach children rather than to punish them.
The best consequences are those that are a natural or logical
result of a child's choices. For example, if a child fails to put away
clothes, the natural result may be for the clothes to become wrinkled and not
get laundered. If the clothes are left in a place that bothers others, the
logical consequence may be for the offending clothes to be placed on the child's
bed. If a child does not come home at the agreed-upon time for dinner, a natural
consequence would be for the child to get a cold dinner. If a child has not
completed chores or homework, a logical consequence would be that those things
must be completed before the child can go play or watch television.
Consequences, to be effective, must be administered in a
helpful way. If harsh consequences are delivered in an angry way, they
really are punishment. The real test of consequences is whether they express the
natural, reasonable result of the child's choices.
We can set children up for success. When, for example, a
child is expected to pick up toys before going outside to play, we can help the
child get started. If we do the job without the child's help, the child is not
being responsible. If we coldly demand the behavior without support and
encouragement, we are launching a power struggle. The best way to work with
children is to use a combination of charm and encouragement that helps them get
started.
There are times when consequences are not appropriate.
Good sense must set limits on consequences. For example, we do not allow a child
to wander out into traffic in order to learn about safety. Compassion also sets
bounds for consequences. On those rare occasions when a child is overwhelmed by
many demands, a parent might volunteer to wash the dishes in the child's
place. If a child has had an unusually bad day, that child may need comfort more
than consequences for failing to do a household chore.
Proper use of consequences is a vital skill for parents.
Each parent probably has a tendency to shield and protect children too much or
to demand and punish children too much. Some parents go back and forth. You may
benefit from noticing your tendency. If you tend to overprotect your children,
you may need to sharpen your skills at consequences. Be prepared to be friendly
but firm. If your tendency is to be tough with children, you may benefit from
using consequences as an expression of the lawfulness of the world without
getting angry or giving unhelpful lectures. Learn to use consequences in a
supportive way as a useful tool for teaching your children about the advantages
of acting in the desired ways.
Applications:
It is not easy to use consequences effectively. Prepare to be
more effective by thinking about problems you often have with your children.
Can you think of appropriate consequences for them that
teach them the importance of behaving in the desired way?
Are the consequences you have chosen a natural and
reasonable result of their choices?
Are the consequences likely to help the child understand the
rule and want to obey it?
Do the consequences allow you to avoid nagging and
punishing?
It is common to want to find the right consequence for a child's
behavior. But there are many consequences that might work. The choice of a best
consequence depends on many factors in the family. For example, if there is a
child who always gets up late for school, what are some possible consequences?
One possibility is to have the child go to bed earlier. This
is probably the best consequence if the child is not getting enough sleep.
One possibility is to have the child plan out the morning so
that getting ready for school and eating breakfast can happen more
efficiently. For example, a child might lay out clothes the night before.
One possibility is to have the child be able to do something
fun if he or she gets ready on time. Maybe he could play with a favorite
toy. This is the best action if the child needs something to look forward to
in order to get going.
One possibility is to have the child who is slow getting
ready for school have to walk to school rather than take the bus. (This is
only a good idea if it is safe for the child to walk to school.)
One possibility is to buy the child an alarm clock and make
the child responsible for getting ready.
The best choice is the one that helps your child get ready on time while
preserving the child's dignity. As a parent you know pretty well what works
for your child. Start with the choice that makes sense to you. Be willing to
experiment. Ask the child for ideas. Be patient. Some things simply get better
with time.
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