 Family Life
Find Your Way to Character Heights
Setting Limits
The most important thing that parents do for children is to love
them. The second most important thing parents do for children's long-term
well-being is probably to set and enforce reasonable limits. (See the unit on
spoiling.) When parents are effective in setting limits they teach children to
respect the rules and laws that govern well-being.
Sometimes parents annoy their children with lots of pesky
commands: "Don't touch that." "Leave that alone." "Don't do that." "Come here."
"I told you not to do
that!" There are two problems with this approach: The talk is all negative - about
things NOT to be done. The second problem is that lots of little rules are hard
to enforce; when we do not consistently enforce the rules we make with our
children, they conclude that they do not have to take any of our commands
seriously. That can have dangerous consequences.
Be careful about the rules you make. Don't make a rule
unless you think it is worth your time and effort to enforce it. You may decide
to let less important things slide. For example, you may decide that you don't
care if your child wears striped pants with a plaid shirt, has a crazy hairdo,
or listens to rap. But you may decide that rules about TV watching and joining
the family for dinner are important enough to you that you will enforce them
consistently
Make rules that are sensitive to children's needs.
Children like to feel safe, be busy, and be involved. They may be able to sit
still on a car trip or in a meeting if we provide a quiet book or activities for
them. They may be able to help in the grocery store if we talk with them, let
them handle safe things and even involve them in making some choices. Sometimes
children "misbehave" simply because we are asking them to do things
that are difficult or impossible for them.
When you have made a rule, enforce it. For example, if a
child is picking at a cake before a birthday party begins, a parent may decide,
"I want her to leave that cake alone until we sing 'Happy Birthday' and
cut it for everyone." If you think that rule is important, act in ways that
win cooperation. If you merely ignore a child's misbehavior, you send the
message that you do not really care about the rule.
If you leave the child staring at the cake, you are fighting an
uphill battle. The child is likely to go for the cake and we are likely to get
angry. It is better to prevent problems than to treat them. There are many
positive ways to help a child obey. Win cooperation through positive
approaches. Move the cake. Get the child busy. Provide an alternative treat
to hold her over. If the child is very persistent, we may have to guide her to
her room until she is ready to work within the rule.
Every child will break some rules some time. When children make
mistakes, we can help them learn better ways. Use timeouts and
consequences to teach them. Teaching is different from punishing. Punishing just
makes children sorry. Teaching works with the child to help them learn better
ways of living and acting.
Applications:
What are some rules you often make and rarely enforce?
Which of them do you not really care about? You can always
say to your children, "I have been thinking about our rules and have decided
that some of them are less important. I am not going to worry so much about
(your socks being put in the hamper every night or . . . )."
Which rules do you think are important? Let your children
know that you are renewing your commitment to enforce the rules.
Are there some important rules that your children have a
hard time obeying? What can you do to set your children up for success - to
help them obey those rules?
Sometimes the rule is really the parent's problem. For
example, if I don't like things left on the sofa, rather than demand that
they put things away, I can simply take anything that is left on the sofa
and put it on the child's bed. I don't have to be angry or demanding. I
can solve my own problem without irritating the children.
What is a reasonable consequence if your child does not obey the rule? Plan
ahead how you will respond so that you are prepared. (See the unit "Using Consequences to Help Children
Learn" for specific ideas.)
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