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Parent Guide
Dealing with Tantrums
Tantrums are a real problem, and they are common. When a child
starts to yell and scream, what is a parent to do?
Children usually have tantrums because they are tired,
frustrated, and don't know how to express their feelings. The good news is
that tantrums peak at about two years of age and generally disappear by three
years of age. As a child learns to talk and to regulate her own feelings, she is
less likely to resort to tantrums.
There is a lot that can be done to prevent tantrums. Don't
take your daughter shopping when she missed her nap. Don't drag your son along
on errands when he is hungry or bored. If we notice when our children are tired
and frustrated, we can prevent many tantrums by not adding extra stress at a
time of tiredness, hunger, or frustration. When you do take children along on
errands, take things for her to do while she waits for you. If you see a tantrum
looming, set aside what you are doing to calm your child. Talk gently. Hug or
stroke him. Breathe deeply. Provide something for the child to do.
Respond calmly to tantrums. A berserk child does not need a
berserk parent. Stay calm. Remove the child from any danger. Sometimes it
soothes a child if you calmly stand nearby. When the child gets more settled, a
parent might try to give words to the child's frustration: "You really
wanted to go out and play, didn't you?" "You are feeling very
tired." Recognize that tantrums are a normal way for children to express
frustration.
Give children control when possible. Children like to have some
control in their own lives. Offer them choices. "Would you like milk or
orange juice for breakfast?" "Would you like to play with cars or
blocks?" "Would you like me to read you a story or sing you a song
when I tuck you in?" Children whose preferences are regularly respected,
are less likely to get frustrated.
Don't let tantrums set the rules. If a parent responds to
tantrums by frantically working to appease the child, that child may become a
terrorist. Some children, especially after three years of age, throw tantrums
because they have learned over time that it is the best way (or the only way) to
get their way. We can understand their desire for something without feeling that
we must indulge their whim. We can hold to limits while acknowledging their
desire: "You really wish we could buy that toy for you."
Make sure that you are involved in your child's life in many
positive ways. Notice the good things she does. Plan activities with him. Have
fun together. A child's frustration is often worsened when there is not a
parent available to help the child work through the frustrations of growing up.
After a tantrum, do not punish or lecture. Provide the safe and loving
environment that helps children grow.
If tantrums continue after the third birthday or become frequent
or damaging, talk to your pediatrician.
Applications:
What are the signs you see that one of your children is about to
have a tantrum? Are there certain situations or pressures that seem to make them
more likely?
What have you found that helps your child calm down instead of
escalating to a tantrum? What have you found that helps your child get involved
in something else?
What have you done that helps you stay calm when your child has
a tantrum? Have you found anything that helps your child settle down after she
or he starts a tantrum?
When your child is calm (at least an hour after a tantrum) you
may be able to teach a child how to let you know what she is feeling or what he
needs. What would work to help your child express him or herself without a
tantrum?
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