 Family
Life
Enjoy the View at Insight
Empathy and Understanding Strengthen Children
Imagine that you have just done something dumb. Maybe you slammed your finger
in a door or tripped on a curb. Does it help to have someone point out your
error? Would you feel better and smarter if someone said, "You need to pay
attention to where you are going!" Would you be glad if your spouse said,
"Well, I guess we will need to hold classes for you on walking."
No doubt you would feel insulted and angry. The same is true for children. When
we state the obvious or emphasize ordinary mistakes, we insult people. This
does not result in better performance; it results in damaged relationships.
Our usual way of responding to our children's bad ideas and mistakes is to
correct them. Haim Ginott, the famous child psychologist, has observed the
following:
When a child is in the midst of strong emotions, he cannot listen to
anyone. He cannot accept advice or consolation or constructive criticism. He
wants us to understand him. He want us to understand what is going on
inside himself at that particular moment. (Ginott, 1965, p. 22)
There is something very healing when people show understanding and
compassion for our pain. Maybe it is because understanding shows that we
care enough to put ourselves in the other's shoes. Maybe it is also because
understanding shows respect while advice may feel like criticism. After all, the
answers to any problem are usually within the person with the problem, even
when that person is a child.
Sometimes we assume that showing understanding will make children think we
agree with their view or accept their misbehavior. But understanding really
sends a very different message. It tells the child that we care about what
happens to him or her: "Your situation is very painful. I feel bad for your
pain. I know you want to do things right. I hope my support and love can help
you find the peace that will help you solve the problem."
The person with the problems knows the situation, their feelings, their
concern and their resources. The best way to help a person in pain is to provide
understanding. When we provide understanding, the person is likely to find
answers within him or herself.
Understanding can be like a foreign language. Most of us did not get
very much understanding growing up; most of us are not used to speaking in that
way either. Understanding involves observing the child and bringing our own
human experience of pain to activate and inform our compassion. So, for
instance, if a child tells us about being picked on at school, we might respond
with something like one of the following:
"How frustrating."
"I wonder if you felt pretty lonely."
"You wished you had someone to stick up for you."
Many challenges in family life are not solved with understanding alone. We
also need to set limits and do problem-solving. See additional units in this
series for more information on these subjects. In the exercises that follow this
unit there are examples of responses that are understanding and some that are
not.
As you get better and better at showing compassionate understanding with your
children, they will feel more loved and more confident in their ability to solve
problems. And they will feel more love and trust with you.
Applications:
Place yourself in the position of the person in the situation described in
the top left of the box. Consider why the understanding responses are helpful
while the less understanding responses might make you feel insulted. In the
empty rows at the bottom of the table, you might add other things that you
commonly hear (or say) and additional ways that might show understanding.
Back to Enjoy the
View
at Insight |
