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Human Development -
Dealing with Anger
Most of us get angry fairly often even though it is hard on our
bodies and hard on relationships. Why do people get angry? Maybe we don't know
what else to do. Maybe we think it is effective. Maybe it is a habit.
The fact is that being angry is bad for our bodies. Anger
actually damages our hearts. In addition, when we are angry with others, it
usually does not motivate healthy change in the people with whom we are angry.
Think about it from the receiver's perspective: When someone is mad at us, do
we feel trusting and motivated to do better? No. We are less likely to trust or
feel close to the person who has gotten angry at us. And we often don't feel
like doing what they want.
Fortunately there are very good ways of dealing with anger.
Each of us can find ways that work for us. For example, reasoning with ourselves
is one way of dealing with anger: "Cars break down. This car has a lot of
miles and it was time to expect some problems."
We can distract ourselves. When someone has done something that
makes us mad, we can choose to think about something else. We can come back to
the concern later when we have had time to settle down and learn more about the
situation. We can delay conversations where anger and irritation might get in
the way of listening to and understanding the other person.
We can meditate, pray, or do deliberate relaxing. The
traditional practice of counting to 10 can be useful if we use the time to
breathe deeply and relax. (Counting to 10 will not do any good if we use the
time to plot revenge!)
We can make a joke. Imagine the driver who cut in front of you
as your grandma. The person may not look like your grandma but imagine the
person with a wig and false teeth and a 57 Buick.
It helps to try to understand other people rather than get mad
at them. For example, if a normally friendly co-worker does not seem friendly
one day, we might suspect that the co-worker is having a bad day. We should not
assume that he or she is mad at us.
We can let people know our needs. If you have a friend
who tracks mud into your house, you can say, "I am trying to keep my floors
clean. I wonder if you would help me. When you come to visit, would you scrape
your shoes or take them off before you come in?" Many annoyances can be
avoided when people know our needs. But there are also some differences that
have to be tolerated.
We can do things to prevent anger. It helps to get enough
rest. It helps to have friends. Some people find having a pet to be relaxing. We
can be involved in hobbies or service. Anything that helps us be more peaceful
can help us avoid anger.
Sometimes we don't notice as our irritation grows into anger.
It is a good idea to notice when you start to get angry and take action
before the anger grows. We can soothe ourselves.
Of course it does no good to bottle-up our anger. It is healthy
to forgive, relax, forget, invite, reflect, and understand. We can learn ways to
avoid and deal with anger so that we will be peaceful more of the time.
Applications:
Are there issues or situations that commonly make you mad? List
them:
What can you do in those situations that will help you manage
your anger?
Most of us have anger habits. It may take a lot of practice to
replace anger with more helpful responses. We should give ourselves credit for
any progress we make and learn from our mistakes.
Do you apologize when you hurt other people with your anger?
Are some of the things that make you angry, petty things that
you can learn to ignore or laugh about?
Even when we have legitimate concerns, we can find ways to share
them that don't include anger. What concerns do you have that need to be
shared? How can you share them in a way that will be taken seriously but will
not damage relationships? For example, can you say, "I feel very upset
about (describe the situation). Can you suggest some solutions?"
Recommended reading:
Redford and Virginia Williams have written an excellent book about anger,
"Anger Kills." The book reports important discoveries about anger and
provides strategies for controlling anger.
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