 Family Life
Parenting Journey -
Enjoy the View at Insight
Human Development -
The Emotional Ties Between Parents and Children
The feeling that binds us to the significant people in our lives
is called "attachment." The term "attach" means to tie, to
fasten, or to connect one thing to another. If one car was being towed by
another, we might hope the connecting rope or the "attachment" is
strong enough to meet the challenge. Each thread adds to the overall strength of
the rope. Though individually insignificant, hundreds of threads woven together
can create a rope that is nearly unbreakable.
The attachment relationship between parent and child is much
like a rope. Each positive interaction between parent and child adds a new
thread and strengthens the overall emotional connection.
Attachment is a two-way process. It is important to think of
parents being connected to children as well as children being connected to
parents.
When children are emotionally attached to individuals who care
for them, they receive valuable support that helps them grow and develop.
Children with healthy attachments are more likely to explore and take healthy
risks. Through their relationships they learn about right and wrong. They learn
how to interpret their experiences. They learn social skills that help them
maintain existing relationships and develop new ones. And they learn to be both
self-reliant and to work well with others. In short, they develop a variety of
skills that are not easily learned through direct instruction. Social and
emotional lessons are best learned through relationships.
Infancy is the ideal time to develop a healthy attachment.
Because infants depend on others to fulfill their needs, there are many
opportunities for adults to emotionally invest themselves in the relationship as
they care for them. Changing diapers, feeding, bathing, rocking, and soothing
all help infants develop trust and commitment. Babies'
cute looks, subtle smiles, and baby fat seem almost designed to keep adults
close and involved. It is in the act of caring that attachment is born.
Children have the capacity to develop healthy attachments with
adults other than the parents without interfering with the parent-child
attachment. In fact, a healthy attachment with a child care provider can enhance
the attachment between parent and child. Just as the skills we learn at work may
help us at home, so to may the social-emotional competencies learned with caring
child-care providers benefit the parent-child relationship at home.
Although attachment begins in early childhood, the relationships
with those closest to us remain important throughout our lives. One of the early
researchers of attachment, John Bowlby, made the observation that, "All of
us, from cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organized as a series of
excursions, long or short, from a secure base provided by our attachment
figure(s)."
Applications:
Parents and caring adults can do many things to strengthen
attachment with children. Here are a few:
1. Take care of yourself. It is difficult to reach out and
nurture the relationship with our child if we're overwhelmed with personal
problems. At times, our focus on personal problems may cause us to turn
inward. Parents who are depressed, isolated, or having marital problems are
more likely to have problems forming a healthy attachment. If you have a
case of the blues that does not go away, get help.
2. Follow your child's lead. Every relationship is a
dance. When one moves, the other follows. The best dancers learn to identify
and respond to subtle cues from their partner. The same applies in
relationships. When a child smiles with excitement, smile back with the same
enthusiasm. When your child expresses feelings of hurt, respond to the
emotional pain with sympathy and care. As you respond attentively to your
child's behaviors, your child will also learn to respond appropriately to
others.
3. Be sensitive to your child's needs. In infancy,
children often express their needs by crying. They may cry when they are
hungry, tired, need a diaper change, or simply need to be comforted. It is
difficult to be too attentive to children in infancy. As children grow
older, identifying needs may be more challenging. Understanding child
development in general, and your child's development in particular, will
help you be sensitive without spoiling (see unit on spoiling in this
series).
4. Spend time playing with your child. Nothing says love
like the time shared with your child. Make time to play together, read
together, work together, learn together, and snuggle together. Simply spend
lots of time together. Planned quality time is important, but it is often
during walks, car trips, or other unplanned moments that children open up
and reveal their innermost needs and concerns. The importance of quantity
time should not be dismissed. As one person put it, "The key to being
an effective parent is to be a good person and then hang around your kids
long enough that you rub off on them."
Recommended Reading
"Love, Your Forever" by Robert Munsch. A story of a mother's
continuing love for her son as he grows from infancy to adulthood.
Back to Human Development
|
