 Family Life
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Human Development -
Setting Limits with Teens
As children move into the teen years they start to think more
like adults. This is both good news and bad.
In the teen years a person can start to think about thinking.
Teens consider possibilities as well as realities. This provides them the
ability to analyze their own thinking and refine it. It also leads them to
question other people and institutions. For many adults it is insufferable to
watch a teen start questioning wise adults and time-honored traditions.
Yet it is an important development. As teens move into
adulthood, they should have thought about what they believe. If they test,
challenge, and explore before they make commitments, they are more likely to
hold enduring and sensible ideas. As teens move into adulthood they are likely
to hold values much like those of their parents; they will hold them as their
own if they have had opportunities to test and think through the values. As
Ginott says, "No one can mature by blindly obeying his parents" (1969,
p.150). To better understand teens, read the unit in this series, "The
Challenge of Being a Teen."
Parents of teens have the challenge of encouraging such
questioning and independence in our teens while helping them honor sensible
principles of respect and safety.
Parents of teens should listen respectfully to their teens'
ideas. We can ask questions and offer our view but it is not helpful to
criticize or belittle them.
Teens turn out best when their parents monitor their
activities. Wise parents keep track of their teens, their friends, their
hobbies, and their activities. When teens announce that they are going out,
involved parents invite them to talk about where they are going and what they
will be doing.
There are times to set firm limits. There will be times
when we need to say, "I don't feel good about you going to that
party." Teens are likely to resist. We can stay calm. "What else could
you do?" When they still object we can reply, "I can see that you
would really like to go to that party. Since you are not able to go, what else
could you do?"
When teens make rude comments or act insensitively, we can help
them discover better ways of acting. Teaching is better than attacking.
For example, we might say, "I can see that you don't like some of your
classmates. When you say unkind things to them, they probably feel very
bad." Teens may play as if they do not care. But gentle messages of
compassion have an impact. "We do not belittle their dreams and desires,
but we reserve the right to stop and redirect some of their acts" (Ginott,
1969, p.150).
Be involved in positive ways with your teens. Maintain
traditions of togetherness. Go to games together. Hike. Shop. Cook. Sing. Play
tennis together. Doing things together can strengthen our relationships with our
teens.
Applications:
What are some of the things your teen is excited about? How can
you support those healthy explorations?
What are some evidences you see that your teen is making good
decisions? In what areas could you commend him or her: "I'm impressed
with the way you decide what movies are worth watching."
Do you have a policy about unacceptable activities? An example
is: "We do not do anything that harms others or endangers our future."
Talk with your teen about the policy that he or she thinks should be enforced.
Encourage teens to work with you in forming family rules and policies.
For more information on helping your adolescent, you might enjoy reading
"Between Parent and Teenager" by Haim Ginott.
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