 Family
Life
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Understanding Circumstances and Children
There are times when things are going well, we feel happy and
energetic, and we gladly do the things we need to do. There are also times when
we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders; we may feel tired, lonely, and
unhappy. At such times it is hard to get anything done or get along with others.
This is true for children as well as for adults.
As parents, we may expect children to be cheerful and obedient
under all circumstances. If we want to be helpful to children, we should try
to be aware of what is happening in their lives. Knowing their circumstances
may or may not change the expectation, but it can make sure that we are being
appropriately sensitive and helpful with them.
For example, when a child has had a bad day at school, we may
make extra efforts to be supportive. We may hold the child or take a walk or
read a story. If we have paid attention to the preferences of each child, we
probably know what will be helpful for that child under those circumstances.
It is not easy to be in touch with what is happening with each
child. But there are ways that help. We can notice the things they do. We can
listen carefully when they tell about their days. We can notice their moods. Over
time we can develop a sense of what is normal for each of our children. What
is most important to that child? What is most painful? How can I soothe or
comfort that child? How can I most effectively show support and love?
When a child is in a bad mood, it usually does not help to ask
"What is wrong?" Most children will respond, "Nothing." But
it can be helpful to respond to the message that their body has already given
us: "It looks like you had a bad day." At that point the child feels
invited but not pressured to share about his or her day. As long as the child
shows signs of unhappiness, we can listen and respond without sermons. We can
say supportive things like, "That is so hard."
Do we still expect children to follow the rules when they have
had a bad day? Generally, yes. However, we can make some adjustments to
accommodate their challenges. A child might still be expected to clean his
room before dinner but some quiet time might be provided before the cleaning
begins. Or we can help the child with the cleaning, making it a team effort.
Often we do not notice the ways that stress in our lives
effects the children in our families. When we are stressed, tired, or
unhappy, we send signals to our children. They are very sensitive to the moods
of people around them. When we have difficulties, they may feel less safe and
less loved. As a result they may be distant and anxious or they may cling to us.
That is why it is important to notice our moods and their effect on our
children. We can reassure them, "I'm having a hard time right now but I'll
get through it. I'm glad you're my child and I'll always love you!"
When parents are sensitive to their children, it helps the
children to feel safe. It also helps children develop into caring people.
Applications:
Think about each of your children. What is most important and
enjoyable for each child? What is most painful? How can I best soothe or comfort
each child? How can I most effectively show support and love for each?
Child
Important and enjoyable?
Painful?
Soothe?
Support?
In the last few weeks, how are things going for each of your
children? What stresses might each be feeling? What special joys has each had?
What stresses are you experiencing? How are they affecting your
children? Are there ways you can reassure them?
When a child is feeling pain, understanding from you can be especially
healing. You may be interested in reading the unit, Empathy and Understanding
Help Children.
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