 Family Life
Living in Loveland
Nothing Matters like Love
A parent's love gives a child the hope and energy to grow.
Nothing is as important for human development as love. This is true not only in
the first months of life but also into childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
Sometimes parents focus most of their parenting energy on
correcting and disciplining their children. These activities can take over the
relationship between parent and child. Unfortunately, when a child does not feel
loved, he or she is more likely to misbehave. A child who is loved is more
likely to develop into a healthy, caring adult.
Make time for love. If we don't plan to take time for
our children we may be bothered by the demands they make on us. Effective
parents set aside some things in their lives to make time for their children.
They use some of the time to do fun things with their children such as playing,
talking, cooking, and telling stories. They also expect to be interrupted in
their daily activities to help and be with their children.
A parent who is effective at loving, tries to prevent
problems. For example, a wise parent childproofs the house in order to
minimize the need for scolding. A loving parent notices when a child is hungry
or tired and helps them adapt - maybe by providing a snack or some peaceful time
together. Rather than wait until a child is doing something wrong and then
getting mad, the effective parent helps a child have many fun and safe
experiences. The effective parent notices the good things the child does and
communicates affection to the child.
Loving involves listening and understanding. While it is
true that parents often know much more about many things than their children, it
is only when we listen patiently and with compassion that children discover that
their feelings and ideas matter to others. Understanding is so important (and so
difficult for most of us) that we offer a special unit on it, "Empathy and
Understanding Help Children."
Effective loving also involves customizing messages of love
for each child. Children like to be loved in different ways. Some like to be
shown love; some like to be told; some like to be hugged. Each of these
different languages of love is discussed in a separate unit.
Sometimes one child may be especially difficult. It may be
because of a sensitive temperament or it may be that the child is merely
different from the parent. The effective parent tries to find ways to help each
child individually even if the child is difficult.
Love is more than a feeling; there are times when we don't
feel very loving toward our children. Love is a commitment to be with,
understand and support the development of another human being. Love makes all
the difference.
Applications.
Make time for love.
What are some of the things that each of your children likes to
do with you? Read? Play games? Sports? Shop? Talk? Art? Crafts? Biking? Find
something that you and each of your children enjoy doing together and make
regular "dates" for this time together.
Prevent problems.
Be sure there are places in your home where the children can
have fun. You may provide a playroom or allow them to use the kitchen or your
yard. Children should have times when they can play and make messes.
Are there certain times of day that you have lots of challenges
with your children? How can you prevent such problems? For a child who is slow
getting ready for school it may be helpful to pick out clothes the night before.
If your children tease each other in the after-school hours you may want to help
them get busy with separate activities. If your children get cranky before
dinner you may want to provide a healthy snack right after school. If you cannot
think of solutions for the problems you commonly face, you might ask for ideas
from parents you know who are both kind and wise.
Loving involves listening and understanding.
When your child tells you about a problem, especially when the
child has strong feelings, what is your usual reaction? Try noticing the child's
feelings at such times and see if you can help the child identify what he or she
is feeling. "You seem to feel (embarrassed, hurt, lonely, angry,
frustrated, sad, afraid, etc.)." Let the child talk about those feelings.
Often a child can work out problems without our help if we merely help them
clarify what they are feeling.
Customize your messages of love.
Think about each of your children and the way he or she likes
you to show love and affection for him or her. Find ways to show love to each
child in a way that child prefers. [See the units on languages of love for more
information on customizing messages of love.]
Help each child individually.
Do you have a child who is especially difficult for you? Maybe
the child is very cranky or very stubborn. Can you think of a way of describing
those qualities that emphasize the strengths? For instance a "cranky"
child can be thought of as sensitive. A "stubborn" child might be
thought of as strong, resilient, or determined. Find positive ways to think
about your children's difficulties. Think of ways of responding that work with
rather than against the child's nature.
Related units: Spoiling. Guidance. Languages of love
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