 Family Life
Living in Loveland
Showing Love by Being Understanding
Have you ever had anyone listen to your pain and seem to really
understand what you felt? Did that person say just the right thing to show that
she or he understood and cared how you felt? That is a powerful experience!
Unfortunately it is also quite rare. When people have difficulties we often give
them advice: "What you need to do is . . ."
Giving advice does not show understanding. It tends to
rush people on to a solution. There is an interesting contradiction about giving
advice to people in pain: when we try to drag people from their pain, they tend
to hold on to it more stubbornly. When we bring compassion and understanding to
their pain, they are more likely to relax and get ready to move on.
Understanding is very healing!
Showing understanding is a very effective way to show that
you care - especially with children. Children get lots of advice, threats,
and commands. It is a real treat for them when someone takes time to understand
them. Understanding is a small thing that makes a big difference.
Understanding is shown with both words and actions. For
example, if a child loses her favorite doll, an understanding response might
include helping her look for the doll and saying words that show that we are
trying to see the situation as the child does: "You really miss your
dolly!" If the doll is not found, the parent can again show understanding
with words and actions: The parent might hold the child and say, "That
dolly means a lot to you! You are worried about finding her." Being
understood helps the child feel safe and valued in spite of her loss.
The key to understanding is seeing an experience through the
child's eyes and trying to understand what it means to the child.
Understanding is NOT saying "I know how you feel." Understanding comes
from working very hard to see things from the child's perspective. "You
really feel strongly about this." "You seem very upset." "I
wonder if you feel disappointed and lonely." No matter how hard we try to
understand, we never fully understand someone else's point of view. That is
why we ask questions and are always open for more information. Because
understanding is so important, there is also a unit in this series called
"Empathy and Understanding Help Children."
Understanding is especially helpful in dealing with pain, but
it is also very relationship-building when a child has any strong emotion.
If a child is very excited about making a new friend, we can share their
excitement: "You are so glad to know Max!" "It felt good to win
the game!" "You are glad to have that test over."
The clearest signal that it is time for understanding is a
person's strong emotion. When a child is delighted, depressed, confused,
or exuberant, it is a good time to be understanding. Understanding is a great
way to show your love to your children.
Applications.
For a few minutes, stop being you. Imagine yourself as one of
your children. Be him or her. See what she sees. Feel what he feels. Worry about
what she worries about. How does it feel to be in his shoes? Do you better
understand what life is like for her? Do the same for each member of your
family.
In your mind, picture a scene where your child comes to you with
strong feelings. What is your automatic way of responding? Does it show
understanding? What can you do to better show understanding?
Think about each of your children. Children try very hard to be
good. Think about the ways your child tries to be helpful. Try to understand
that even the things the child does that are not very helpful may happen because
of lack of understanding or because of tiredness. Appreciate how hard he or she
tries.
When children feel safe and loved, sometimes they will ask for
advice. Or sometimes they seem to want help finding answers. We can ask:
"May I suggest some things you could try?" If the child is open to
your ideas, share them and invite the child to decide which would work for him
or her. If the child does not want ideas, be patient and understanding.
Being understanding does not mean that we do not set boundaries. There are
times when a parent will need to say, "I know that you are very upset, but
we do not hurt people." Understanding does not mean that there are no
standards; it means that we care about their feelings. We still set limits on
children's behavior. See the unit "Setting Limits."
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